i'm going crazy... motherfucking crazy...

[meaningless]

The subject says it all.
Oh I don't even know why I'm making this post.

But I feel like shit.

See, there's this thing called bullshit. And within that bullshit lies three things: Therapy, depression, meds. I have had too much experience with all three, and needless to say, none of them have been any better than the other (yes, that means the therapy and the meds are just as bad as the fucking depression).

Well I decided that really, depression didn't exist and it was only cuz people have been telling me for six years that I'm "depressed" that I was actually feeling "depressed." After all, no fucking meds or therapy helped me all this time. So I quit it all. Like sort of cold turkey, but sort of progressively over a week or whatever.

Don't pass judgement on me about that... it was my own personal choice and i don't regret it, and I have no plans to continue with meds or therapy.

The big problem being that well... basically I've only been off meds for two or three days, and yesterday I didn't get out of bed to go to class, but I thought that was just cuz I stayed up too late, but today I feel like complete and utter shit, I slept the better part of the day, I can't concentrate, every LITTLE LITTLE thing is settign me off, and I am completely hopeless about everything. EVERYTHING. I can't handle it anymore. There is no way in, no way out... All the things that are supposed to help someone in my position haven't helped me and DON'T FUCKING TELL ME TO GIVE THIS BULLFUCKINGSHIT ANOTHER CHANCE, six years is chance enuf...

I really believed that it was all a figment of my imagination, yet even in that frame of mind, I can't fight off the feelings of desperation and despair...

So I continue to unravel.

-Nicole

"if just once... i could feel love... oh stare back at me, yeah..."

[Phil]

Get the fuck back on that shit NOW. Don't do this to yourself.

(((((((((((Nicole))))))))))))

[meaningless]

Oh yeah, well... I forgot to mention that I threw all my pills away, and I'm not goign back to the doc that prescribed them cuz I wasn't in the first place... she is a complete bitch and well... That's it. Before this all happened, the "therapist" was goign to look for another "psychiatrist" for me, but then i quit that shit too... there's no solution... Going back to either person is NOT AN OPTION!

Oh well.
-n

"if just once... i could feel love... oh stare back at me, yeah..."

[Immortal]

i came out of hibernation just for you... hope you like it.


title unravel the thread author zds date 2/13/01

unravel the thread, your point may be taken
i can't help you out, these rules that you're breaking
aren't set up for me they've been set down by you
and forefathers or mothers (whoever has this put you through)
i'm waking, you're quaking at the sounds of a voice
i'm chosen, you're molten lava with no choice
but to find a way out, find a way in
please stop this insanity before it begins
no one wants to lose you, please don't fade now
it may just be my innocence but i say "write it out somehow"
tell us all how you're feeling, i know that it works
and if it doesn't for you, then call me a jerk
and a lying professor of doom saying such
i'm just a homely follower of mr. acting tough
writing shit just to please them, writing shit just for me
haven't scribbled a word ('cept for you) in two weeks
i'm starving myself, i'm riddled inside
with thoughts of filthy evidence and the bones of my bride
who may be alive, may be well dead
i can't find a way, a way to get her out of my head
but enough about me and back on to you
i need you to stop what you put yourself through
this world's full of shit, but that's just how it goes
get the fuck out of bed or i'll cut off your toes
you can call me a liar you can call me a thief
but i'll fight you here and now in my cold winter briefs
i know pain, believe me.. it may not be the same
but i know what it's like for death to infest your brain
and take away from your personality, take away from your smile
i know what it's like and i've been rid of it for a while
if you fall to pieces it's so hard to get back up
but if you stay together, show the world that you're tough
and you don't need their shit like they think you do
go and piss on the grave of someone you knew
but never really liked, never really loved
or you could be the better person and calmly look above
to see the sky, the beautiful sky
this one thing alone is reason enough not to die.

i'm waking, you're quaking at the sounds of a voice
i'm chosen, you're molten - lava with no choice
but to find a way out, find a way in
please stop this insanity before it begins
no one wants to lose you, please don't fade now
it may just be my innocence but i say "write it out somehow"
tell us all how you're feeling, i know that it works
and if it doesn't for you, then call me a jerk.

[share]

hey nicole - just keep in mind that your body
has to adjust

like zach says - write it out, we're here

you were strong enough to make this decision
for yourself, just let the rest of you catch up

do what makes you feel healthy, and good

best of luck

/images/smile.gif

[anescence]

share is right, quitting the drugs cold turkey might be what's screwing you up right now. You gotta do what's right for you. Personally I think that drug therapy is used too much. Got a problem?? take a drug for it.I mean I'm sure some people actually need these things, but I think the doctors are alittle too quick to prescribe stuff.Hang in there and don't be afraid to talk about it if it helps. Lots of ears here for you /images/smile.gif

~~~~
My mind not only wanders....it sometimes leaves completely /images/crazy.gif

[northwoodsamyII]

hope today brings a little more sanity to your life...have you thought of a new therapist and a new psychiatrist? maybe a new set of Docs would help- you know- a frewsh new perspective? OR, have you thought about alternative medicines? Perhaps there is a holistic approach to your problems right now, and maybe if you tried that appraoach you wouldn't continue to feel like shit while on your meds. Modern medicine has so many side effects that come with it, sometimes the old hippies know best....try herbs or something. it's hard for me to suggest an exact medicine because a) I forgot to get the MD and b) I don't know if you are clinically depressed or if it's another form....

If you want to pm me about this, I know someone I could ask about alternative medicines for this kind of situation......just a thought.

take care, be strong, and we are all right by your side.....

TO MY FRIENDS, I'M NOT A DRUNK DRIVER...I'M PRESIDENT ELECT.

[yer ardy]

i wonder what happened to you to cause you so much pain? it's none of anyone's biz but i can't help but think about it...i'm no expert, i have little to go on to help you, i know what fucked up my life from years ago, and how that affects me today....and what i did to overcome it....not to say i'm better, not to say it's "fixed"...i just make it thru the day sometimes...other times i'm floating on the blissful ride of life...there's hella pain, physical and mental, i try to get thru it, with no help from meds, no help from high-paid professionals...i am my own therapist, my pain is self chosen.....

nicole...you are the captain of your ship. perhaps a total lifestyle change is in order? i know you have school almost done..maybe after that's in the can you can look forward to a new life of your own, away from the people who contribute to your distress? i'm not saying chuck it all and stay in your room, but set a course, find what you need to get there and then take the steps to find it.

i'm sorry that you're going crazy..give your body and mind time to detox itself from the meds and the demons..give yourself time..it's there..you have it..i worry about you because i just do - you are a worthy person, you are incredibly smart and you know more about pearl jam and music than most people i know, your take on life is unique and we need you.

ride the wave to where it may take you...
and remember regardless of whatever has happened you have the power to make the change...it's all temporary, everything is... /images/smile.gif

----------
if i had one dollar for every brain you don't have, i would have one dollar

[jayscott]

I don't know what you were on specifically, but many anti-depressants are actually DANGEROUS to quit cold turkey, be careful with yourself.
js

I can only be as good as you'll let me.