troubled souls unite..... HERE

[13throwcenter]

i found this at work while doing some spring cleaning a couple weeks ago and have been carrying it around in my backpack ever since, with the intention of perhaps sharing it with you guys eventually.

i don't know about you guys, but i don't even feel like the same person i was just three weeks ago- SO much has occurred in my life in such a short period of time... three deaths to ponder, a new relationship to nurture, one friend leaving town, another one returns... thank goodness there has been some balance between it all or i'd be a mess.

because of it all, my thoughts, my outlook, my attitude, my soul.... it's all been jarred. last weekend... having so much to consider... having to tell asher first that a schoolmate had died, then having to tell him it was one of his friends.... all while trying to absorb Layne's death and dive deep into my own thoughts and knowledge about drugs and how far reaching their effects can be.... experiencing all of this simultaneusly while trying to keep it together for Asher's sake, i could just feel my entire person *changing*... it was a very sobering weekend... i wasn't full of grief, as might be expected.... i was filled with... wonder. all i could do was open myself up to it and let it teach me.

and so... that experience brought me to thinking about that poem i'd been carrying around in my back pack for the past couple of weeks. oddly, i found it the morning before i drove down to seattle for the funeral of my cousin, and on that drive i listened to mad season... and at about that same time the following friday, they found the body of a dead 8 year old... and, at about the same time i left Seattle on the previous Friday, on this day they were finding Layne's drug racked dead body. very strange the way energy intertwines like that sometimes, isn't it?

so, i leave you with this. i'm definitely looking at things a little differently having read it...


this being human is a guest house.
every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
She may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful of whoever comes,
because each has been send
as a guide from beyond.

-Rumi







"my pain is self chosen"

[Highway23]

this year has been full of guides...that's for sure.

urgh...


thanks for posting that...very nice...

http://www.wiredanime.net/sickman/laynestaley-rip.jpg

[peacefulness]

thanks sandi, that was very nice of you to post.

I've had a lot going around in my head lately. Mostly about who am I... mostly who am I spiritually. It's really hard to try to do that in the bible belt. there's no one to talk to about it. They just hand you a bible and tell you that it'll give you all the answers. Can't say I've gotten any answers out of it to be quite honest. It's funny, because I've realized that I'm now doing what I swore to myself 2 years ago I wouldn't do: pretend to be someone I'm not to have a circle of friends. I'll learn one of these days. Why did I fall back into that? Being by myself got to be pretty lonely. And being surrounded by 'biblethumpers' as my stepdad (another issue) would say and obnoxious alcholic jocks doesn't make much for a selection of people that I want to be around or who want to be around me. So I put on a new face to show the world, and maybe even myself and that maybe it would 'become' me. Like, if I do this, or say this, I won't be alone anymore. "dream up a new self for himself" I don't know if that's what ed was thinking for does anyone know what ed's thinking? But that's what I think of. I think that nobody, no matter how much they say they do, wants to be alone. I think it's pretty much human nature. I'm really starting to realize that I am alone, it's my 'pretend self' that has such a great group of friends. If they can't be my friend, then they're not really my friend now are they? So now that Ive realized this, it becomes that thing of doing something about it. What will become of everything. I'm not really sure how to explain how learning of Layne's death put this into perspective for me. It just kinda did. I think it brought up a lot of stuff all at once that I'm still processing it all. Mostly thinking about all the people of the world who are alone and/or feel alone... be it physically alone or alone in they're own mind, you know? Feeling like it seems like you only hear about the 'lonely' people who kill themselves; intentionally or unintentionally. Which is why I posted the lyrics to REM's 'You Are the Everything' a few days ago, because of the line "I'm very scared for this world, I'm very scared for me." What happens if I'm left alone? Will I end up down the same path. Well, being as how I'm still processing it all, this is probably not making any sense at all. But that's ok... I think it's helping. I think that's why I like coming here so much. I have to admit, I get a lot of inspiration from the people who come here. I'd like to think that isn't sad, even if it is. I get inspiration from Chris for being such a trooper while he's been sick, I get inspiration from Sandi for being herself even when called a bitch (even if by me /images/crazy.gif), prism for having such a great sense of humor after all that she's been through (of what I know of it, which isn't a whole lot), ardy for her great sense of humor, and everyone else with everything they bring here. I could go on and on if I wanted, but I'll keep it to a minimum being as how I'm sure all lost by now. Anyway, I'm gonna close this up. I feel a little better.

And thanks again for sharing, sandi.

And I must say the singles soundtrack is so cool. But, you already knew that didnt you? That's what I'm listening to at the moment.

~Melanie

"How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside." Girl, Interrupted

[mensane]

i like that..thanks san.

melanie....welcome to adulthood!!! no seriously, i think all of us that are older than you went through the same thing at your age..i know i did...i had a mini-mid-life-crisis-nervous-breakdown when i turned 20. it is part of life..this figuring out who you are. at least you have the good sense to pay attention to us old-fogeys /images/wink.gif and use our experiences to get some different perspectives on what you are going through. most people can have it hit them over the head and they dont notice.

and by the way....no one is ever truly alone.

[babarocks]

Sandi I'm so sorry, I missed where you talked about Asher's friend passing... how does such a young boy die??

That Rumi quote is amazing. I'm going to copy it and send it along to several people I think can use it. Thank you.

Cannot find the comfort in this world.
RIP Layne and so many others... too many others....

[13throwcenter]

i only *just* discovered how cool the singles soundtrack is.
i tended to skip all over the place on that thing, and never really
just let it play through.

so no, i didn't already know that /images/wink.gif



well *technically* i did, but.... it's new knowledge to me too /images/laugh.gif



"my pain is self chosen"

[13throwcenter]

last thursday there was an 8 year old boy murdered by a 16 year old in the neighborhood where i used to (and Asher still does) live.



"my pain is self chosen"

[babarocks]

Oh my lord, unbelievable!!! And it was a friend of Asher's?? What happened? Did the 16 yr old know the 8 yr old? Why why why??? My gosh, how did Asher take it?

Cannot find the comfort in this world.
RIP Layne and so many others... too many others....

[13throwcenter]

ugh.... baba... i was just going to post you the story from the bellingham herald so you could catch up on it and going there... there was breaking news that the boy killed him with a massive insulin overdose.... god, i thought he just beat him to death... somehow.... this just got a whole lot more evil.....

i said it before, just when this story can't seem to get worse, it does.
fuck.

------------ http://cgi.bellinghamherald.com/cgi-bin/loadframes.cgi?nav=news&main=news.bellinghamherald.com/stories/news-update/update.shtml



"my pain is self chosen"

[peacefulness]

well, now you know. /images/smile.gif heheehe

~Melanie

"How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside." Girl, Interrupted

[13throwcenter]

good for you for figuring this out so early in your life. it took me years to realize i was doing the same thing... going along to get along.... not letting the real me flourish- i was pretending to be happy in the life created around me but i wasn't, and i sucked at pretending.

it's impossible to be successful at pretending to be something you aren't.... your soul won't *let* you. you are who you are, and forcing yourself to do something that's not right for *you*... well you'll find yourself in all kinds of turmoil, and not just emotional and intellectual turmoil physical as well... from headaches, to acne, to depression, to addiction, to actual, tangible disease. the mind body connection exists. don't do that to yourself.

be WHO YOU ARE... and always be open to your self as it evolves, and you will be fine, i promise, because "fine" will *find* you.



"my pain is self chosen"

[peacefulness]

this is just such a horrible thing. I don't understand it. I don't understand it at all.

it's heartbreaking...

~Melanie

"How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside." Girl, Interrupted

[13throwcenter]

"I get inspiration from Sandi for being herself even when called a bitch (even if by me /images/crazy.gif )"

makes it worth being called a bitch.
thank you.





"my pain is self chosen"

[13throwcenter]

don't try to understand it, melanie.
that is what i was told by one of the counselors at work who specializes in COD (co-occurring disorders)
don't try to make sense of it because it MAKES NO SENSE.
all you can do is accept that it happened, and that it will happen again, and you won't understand it then either. human behavior goes awry sometimes. it always has, it always will. it sucks ass when it happens and there is such a cute little face, and you see the families in so much pain... but there's not much that can stop it from occuring. this kid was on home monitoring as part of a previous probation. the computer reached him six times successfully calling him at home that day. on the seventh, it didn't. in between those calls, the little boy "bugged" him. so he took him out, killed him, came home realizing he was violating probation, and called his PO to tell her he was home. the next day he was arrested at his high school.

you can't make sense of that.
it just happened.



"my pain is self chosen"

[babarocks]

there is no making sense of the loss of an innocent 8 yr old boy. but without even knowing more, i'm guessing if you look at the 16 yr old's life, you will find that his heinous crime isn't *such* an unimaginable thing. seriously, i know i don't know diddly about ryan and the sweet little boy he killed other than what i just read. but i have yet to read of such a crime as this, whenthey go into the f'd up life the killers have, and still not understood where this sort of evil and malice comes from.

please don't misunderstand me, i am NOT saying ryan is therefore not responsible for his actions or that his actions are justified by his upbringing. just saying in terms of making sense, it ususally does make some sort of sick tragic sense when you know the details of his life, all the f'd up things his family did to him.

one other thing i'm NOT saying: i'm not saying that having f'd up parents means you'll kill someone. people are different, situations are different, and some people have more luck than others. all i'm saying is i bet if you knew the 16 yr old's parents and his relationship with them, you'd find some sick sad things. just a guess... based on years of observation.

Sandi again I'm so sorry. How did Asher take it? Is there counselling at the school? I really hope so, for the kids, families, and teachers. Completely awful.

Cannot find the comfort in this world.
RIP Layne and so many others... too many others....

[prism]

my daughter goes to the same high school as the murderer....she knows who he is and has met him but she didn't hang around him....all that she has said is that he was just a quiet "normal" kid...one of my daughters very good friends however has grown up across the street from Ryan and has known him her whole life....this girl is just in incredible shock, no one that has known this kid even though they knew he had his troubles (petty theft kinda stuff).....NO ONE could have even imagined that he was capeable of such horrible acts on another

god, what's making me sick now is that being on insulin I have a rough idea of what was done to this kid and I CANNOT get it out of my head...all I can pray for is that he used a fast acting insulin. How sick is that???

[babarocks]

Well I could always be wrong... I do believe that in some rare, rare situations some people are just born *evil*. I think it's very rare though... very rare that you look at the family and know their history and can't see how the child would be incredibly disturbed.

But as we all know here, all of us with those skeletons in our closets... it's amazing how you can live next door or across the street from a family and never know the sick, psycho things that go on inside. Sometimes you have no idea of the suffering of the kids in a family.

Who knows, the only thing certain here is s ghastly crime was committed, an innocent boy is dead, families, friends, and strangers are sick with sadness and shock, and a 16 yr old just ruined his life... if it wasn't ruined already....

Cannot find the comfort in this world.
RIP Layne and so many others... too many others....

[Highway23]

you all should read a book titled "A Child Called It" by Dave Pelzer.


Amazing book, a struggle of a young boy who lived in a house that was full of skeletons. Neighbors, the school, all oblivious to it all.


It's truly amazing. You will want to read the other books right after. Some really great stuff. Sick, sad, stuff...but amazing, to see where he is today after goign through so much.

http://www.wiredanime.net/sickman/laynestaley-rip.jpg

[babarocks]

Yeah, I know a few people like that too. People who are so stable, positive, and generous you would NEVER EVER believe the hell they've been through.

Like I said, going through hell doesn't mean you'll kill someone... but very few people who kill someone didn't go through hell...

Cannot find the comfort in this world.
RIP Layne and so many others... too many others....

[futuregirl]

I like that piece of writing. Interesting. /images/smile.gif

Especially the "She may be clearing you out for some new delight." bit.

[yer ardy]

i like that, san..thanks for posting it. it's now archived in the cyberhouse of ardy....

i'm kinda spent.
what i wrote in response to boulie's post
could go here....

take good care, everyone...


"Mom? I'm gonna listen to more Pearl Jam..the music on the radio is crap!" ~My Daughter~