Plaidsurfshorts
03-19-2001, 12:03 AM
*WARNING: The following post is extremely lengthy and extremely personal in nature. Get out while you still can*
Today I celebrate the one-year anniversary of two very poignant events in my life. One is good, one is bad. In a way they are related. I suppose everything ties together somehow.
It was a year ago today that I made my first post within the confines of the Pearl Jam Synergy Message Pit. I remember it being one of those shy "Hey, I'm a newbie" deals. I remember how I felt like I had found a new haven, and yet also had this weird feeling that I was intruding on you people. And it amuses me now to think back on how I chose an androgynous nickname because I was afraid to reveal too much about myself, and how I thought all this place would be to me was a domain to analyze a few songs and to "talk PJ" with fellow fans who (unlike most of my buddies) wouldn't get tired of hearing about the band. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect the PJ online community to become such a valued and integral part of my life.
Now, on to that "bad" anniversary. In a move that was completely unrelated to my induction into the Jamily, I went home from work the night of my first post and ended up doing something incredibly dumb. To this day, I'm not entirely sure what coerced me into doing it, but what happened was that in the late hours I downed a significant amount of Johnny Walker Red Label (Whiskey) with the express purpose of giving myself alcohol poisoning. All I can guess is that I'd really thought I had hit rock bottom. Maybe I ws thinking that passing out or needing my stomach pumped would show the world how messed up I was really feeling, and/or assert to myself how worthless I thought I was. In any event, I (thankfully) only ended up with a hangover the next day as opposed to doing something worse to my body, but that "comedown" has to have been one of the scariest things I'd ever been through. I had never gotten drunk before (nor have I since), so I had no idea how my body would react. Psychologically, it was mortifying, just because in that 12 to 24 hour period after drinking, I was "waking up" to the gross physical feeling while and also realizing precisely what I'd done and why I had done it. It made me feel worse. It made me feel a thousand times lower and more frightened and more worthless than when I had said "Fuck it" and gulped down that bottle the night before. I panicked and unexplainably began scratching at myself, freaking out, wishing I could make it go away. Looking back, all I can say about the entire ordeal is "NEVER AGAIN". I do not regret what I did, as I know it's helped to form the person I am today, but it is something I'm not exactly proud of.
This is where you, the Jamily, come in. I have had my moments since the Whiskey incident where I've felt the urge to do it all over again. When all those emotions have come back, when I have felt hopeless and ashamed of myself. I remember having a night like that this past August and how I wrapped myself in the music of Pearl Jam as tightly as I ever have, if only not to repeat my stupid actions from last March. At work the next day, I went on the BBS and posted (without getting into specifics) about how Pearl Jam, as they had done so many times before, had once again stepped in and rescued my sorry ass. The responses I received to that post were nothing short of astounding. Beautiful sentiments, words of encouragement, stories from the heart. That's when I knew I had come across something truly special.
I honestly can't imagine how I would have made it through this past year without all of you guys. I love each and every one of you, simply for "being there", for being a "presence" in my life when I felt alone and misunderstood. The personal stories conveyed by the Jamily and all the loving vibes you've sent out have encouraged me and kept me going. You've given me confidence by simply extending a well-timed "cyberhug" and I msut say, that I have found more genuine friends online in one year than I had in the many years beforehand combined. Furthermore, the Jamily has given me courage to try and get a better handle on my life. While I'm not entirely pleased with where I'm at now and where I have been this past year, you have helped me work towards a "light at the end of the tunnel" so to speak. About a month ago, after disclosing to the Jamily how I was looking into some psychological issues from a clinical/medical standpoint, I finally got an answer, as it was determined that I suffer from clinical depression with an anxiety disorder. On Tuesday, I have my first appointment with a psychotherapist, and while I know this will not solve everything magically, it's still a step I know I have to take and I am looking forward to taking. Without your words of strength and your stories of trials and triumphs, I would never have had the guts to look into it all in the first place. Thank you.
Now, as a "branch" from pleadthe5th's post from earlier this week, I must take the time to highlight some of the individuals who have blessed me with their friendship and warm wishes this past year. I hope I don't miss anyone, and please, everyine remember that while I may be "singling out" some names here, all of you as a collective have made a contribution to my life that I really can't put a price tag on. I love you all. And now, a pat on the back to my treasured Jamily friends (in no particular order):
TORONTOPEARLGIRL/RITA: For knowing me in the "real world" and the "cyberworld", and always, always looking out for me. Thank you for your unending friendship, your continous support and for everything we've shared. You really are my "sis". Always.
PAIGE: For being the best mentor a journalistic jock girl could ever have. Thank you for taking me under your wing, for always encouraging me, for bestowing your wisdom about the industry and for sharing your incredible gift with everyone on the BBS. You're the embodiment of all I want to be as a person and a professional. Thanks for being an inspiration and a wonderful friend.
MAKEMESMILE/MICHELLE: For always passing along a smile and a hug, for always spreading the "good vibes." You're one of the kindest people I have ever met. Really, the world needs more people like you. Thank you for havig such a big heart and being such an amazing friend. You were one of the first people I really connected with here, and I'll never forget that.
BLUE RAIN: For creating Clouds Roll By, the eternal Mecca of Jeffdom -- a venue which taught me to appreciate Mr. Ament, and also helped to introduce me to the fabulous world of online PJ fandom. Thank you for everything you do to enhance my little cyberworld, both as an online web site goddess and as a great friend. You're the best!
RANALELE: A relatively new friend since we only met in January, but one who is very close to my heart. Thank you for all the amazing late night conversations about the serious and not-so-serious things in life and PJ-dom. You're an absolute gem and sweet as pie. Don't ever change. I know you're gonna go far. *Yells "RANA SOLOS!" and crashes into a brick wall*
MTGIRL: For being such an undeniably cool young lady and for always extending a cyberhug, a happy thought, or a Jeff-related naughty joke. You've taught me more than I ever needed to know about Big Sky Country, but most importantly, you've been a true friend. Thanks for always bein' there. Now, I will come through the screen and hug you to death.
BETA: For being the first to publicly declare her Ames Lust and indirectly prompting me to do the same. You're an awesome girl and a great friend. Thanks for all the PMs about Jeff lyric analysis, Three Fish, and all things Ament-related. I swear we are of one mind!! More fun than a barrel of monkeys and sweeter than a bag o' candy. You're a doll!
SETH: For having the guts to reveal his emotions and beliefs on a public scale the way no-one else can. For being a terrific friend, and an all-around gem of a guy. Thank you for always extending a cyberhug and a compliment and telling me "I can", even when I feel "I can't". I am indebted to you and your words in the Whisper chats at CJWM.
VITOLOCHICA: Although we've only started to talk in a really in-depth sense recently, I owe you so much for simply being so kind and intelligent. Most girls who have everything together like you do tend to scoff at folks like me. I'll never understand why you're so willing to hang out with me and show me so much love and respect, but I'm oh-so-grateful that you do. You're the total package.
KADDIKAT: For your unendung enthusiasm. You brighten up my days and nights with your Jeff chat and stories of life in Hollyweird. You're such a sweetie, and damnit, nothing beats hangin' out in a chatroom with you on Fridays swapping Green River-era photos of Jeff and eating Rice Krispie Treats!!!
BYZANTINE BUG: For having such an outrageous sense of humour and being a great pal. Your posts always brighten my day and your PMs touch my heart. I really hope we can share more together, 'cause you're fantastic. *Huggie for Buggie*
ROGUE TRADER: For being the first guy to publicly support me in my Lusting. Thanks for always backing me up, and for injecting your wisdom and pure an utter hilarity into my daily online forays. You're awesome and I look forward to chatting with you even more!
INDIAN SUMMER: For simply being "IS". For always sayin' "hi", sharing some laughs and saying that "PSS" should become the newest PJ-related acronym. You fuckin' rule!
GREMMIE: For being the best damn Sarah in Toronto! Thanks for sharing the Firday night laughs and anecdotes. I definitely wanna meet up when Three Fish hit our town!
BLUECORDUROY: For helping with the "Thread of Love" that one day this past summer, and for always sharing a smile and a hug. Yet another Sarah who completely kicks my ass six ways 'till Sunday!
DARTH VEDDER: For being so "up front" about how fuckin' sexy she thinks Jeff is. You bring quite the unique perspective and may I say, you have damn fine taste in men!
13THROWCENTER: For inducting me into CJWM, thereby introducing me to a lot of you in a more "close up" manner via the chat room. Thanks for helping to broaden my social circle, for sharing your experiences and listening to mine.
ISHMAELAPE: For being such an honest and upstanding fella. Really, it's guys like you who restore my faith in the gender whenever the incessant assholedom of Kid Rock (and everyday examples of him) seem to cross my path. You've got such a sweet heart and you deserve all the best. NO SHAME!
ROCKRIGHTER: For chattin' about PJ, MGB, dogs, poopies and Canadiana (though not necessarily in that order!). You've got such a great head on your shoulders, you're a smart cookie and you're a dear.
KARENTHEVEDDER: For the offering of Jamily t-shirts to help solidify our collective ties, for being a great person, and for taking the time to meet me in person at the Toronto gig.
CHEWDAWG: Someone I definitely hope to speak with more. I unfortunately haven't had too many conversations with you, but based on everything I have heard and everything I have experienced in my time spent with you, you're a fantastic lady!
ILUVCATS: For all her good-natured teasing. Makes me smile, always.
PHIL: For sharing laughs and sports talk in the CJWM chat room. And also, for throwing things at me. (Inside joke).
SYSIPHUS: For extending a hand in friendship and toally understanding how absolutely magical that rendition of "Baba" in Toronto really was. We gotta talk more, and frankly, I owe you a PM in a big, bad way!
LISA LEDBETTER: An intelligent woman with a big heart. A much-coveted combination. You've ben great to talk to and I hope we can hang out more.
POETRYWRITER: For the beautiful PMs during the times I really needed them. You have no idea how much they meant to me.
MEANINGLESS/NICOLE: For being so strong in the face of it all. And although we don't talk directly all that much I feel a kinship with you. Thank you for showing me I'm not alone. May you find all the happiness you deserve
1PJFAN: Don't even know if you're around these parts anymore, and although we only spoke once, it was a big "once". Thank you for sharing your experiences and allowing me to disclose mine. Very therapeutic.
LUV2ROK: For the Minnesota sports chat and sayin'
I'm "one cool chickie. Well, you're one very cool guy!! You rok!
RHUARC: For being such a dear and always putting others before himself. And also for declaring "JeffisthemanforPlaid"! Hehehe...
CSMOOTH24: aka "Smoothie". Thanks for sharin' the laughs. You're too much!!
ST8OFLUV&TRUST: For those great backroom PMs we've been swapping and being the only person I know who can really appreciate the immortal Marillion -- "Warm Wet Circles".
OFTHEGIRL49: For sharing the experiences of you and your family and helping me to gain a much greater understanding for what I'm going through and a better appreciation of what others go through. Thank you for all the advice.
ARDY AND PJMOM: For kepping us all in line, and happy. Thank you for showing me and each one of us how to live life to the fullest. You impart your wisdom and set a great example.
GER: For your poetic posts and your unmatched appreciation for "Nothing As It Seems". You've taught me to see the world in a different way. while also teaching me to be comfortable in my own skin.
HEDONIST: For being a friend to all, and always taking the time to say "hi" or offer me a word of encouragement. Thank you for showing me the beauty of love, while also, through your words, allowing me to find love and beauty when I look at myself. And of course, I'm always up for a good sexual innuendo!
Well, I believe that's it. I'm so nervous about hitting that "Add Post" button right now. I just realized this sucker took me almost two hours to write! Shit!! :-)I'm sorry if I missed anyone in that list of mine. All of you have made such an imprint on my life, I really cannot put it all into words.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wish I could somehow give back all you have given to me in this past year.
(((JAMILY)))
All my love,
PSS/Sarah
"What is a million people...listening...to your music?" - JA, "SVT".
Today I celebrate the one-year anniversary of two very poignant events in my life. One is good, one is bad. In a way they are related. I suppose everything ties together somehow.
It was a year ago today that I made my first post within the confines of the Pearl Jam Synergy Message Pit. I remember it being one of those shy "Hey, I'm a newbie" deals. I remember how I felt like I had found a new haven, and yet also had this weird feeling that I was intruding on you people. And it amuses me now to think back on how I chose an androgynous nickname because I was afraid to reveal too much about myself, and how I thought all this place would be to me was a domain to analyze a few songs and to "talk PJ" with fellow fans who (unlike most of my buddies) wouldn't get tired of hearing about the band. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect the PJ online community to become such a valued and integral part of my life.
Now, on to that "bad" anniversary. In a move that was completely unrelated to my induction into the Jamily, I went home from work the night of my first post and ended up doing something incredibly dumb. To this day, I'm not entirely sure what coerced me into doing it, but what happened was that in the late hours I downed a significant amount of Johnny Walker Red Label (Whiskey) with the express purpose of giving myself alcohol poisoning. All I can guess is that I'd really thought I had hit rock bottom. Maybe I ws thinking that passing out or needing my stomach pumped would show the world how messed up I was really feeling, and/or assert to myself how worthless I thought I was. In any event, I (thankfully) only ended up with a hangover the next day as opposed to doing something worse to my body, but that "comedown" has to have been one of the scariest things I'd ever been through. I had never gotten drunk before (nor have I since), so I had no idea how my body would react. Psychologically, it was mortifying, just because in that 12 to 24 hour period after drinking, I was "waking up" to the gross physical feeling while and also realizing precisely what I'd done and why I had done it. It made me feel worse. It made me feel a thousand times lower and more frightened and more worthless than when I had said "Fuck it" and gulped down that bottle the night before. I panicked and unexplainably began scratching at myself, freaking out, wishing I could make it go away. Looking back, all I can say about the entire ordeal is "NEVER AGAIN". I do not regret what I did, as I know it's helped to form the person I am today, but it is something I'm not exactly proud of.
This is where you, the Jamily, come in. I have had my moments since the Whiskey incident where I've felt the urge to do it all over again. When all those emotions have come back, when I have felt hopeless and ashamed of myself. I remember having a night like that this past August and how I wrapped myself in the music of Pearl Jam as tightly as I ever have, if only not to repeat my stupid actions from last March. At work the next day, I went on the BBS and posted (without getting into specifics) about how Pearl Jam, as they had done so many times before, had once again stepped in and rescued my sorry ass. The responses I received to that post were nothing short of astounding. Beautiful sentiments, words of encouragement, stories from the heart. That's when I knew I had come across something truly special.
I honestly can't imagine how I would have made it through this past year without all of you guys. I love each and every one of you, simply for "being there", for being a "presence" in my life when I felt alone and misunderstood. The personal stories conveyed by the Jamily and all the loving vibes you've sent out have encouraged me and kept me going. You've given me confidence by simply extending a well-timed "cyberhug" and I msut say, that I have found more genuine friends online in one year than I had in the many years beforehand combined. Furthermore, the Jamily has given me courage to try and get a better handle on my life. While I'm not entirely pleased with where I'm at now and where I have been this past year, you have helped me work towards a "light at the end of the tunnel" so to speak. About a month ago, after disclosing to the Jamily how I was looking into some psychological issues from a clinical/medical standpoint, I finally got an answer, as it was determined that I suffer from clinical depression with an anxiety disorder. On Tuesday, I have my first appointment with a psychotherapist, and while I know this will not solve everything magically, it's still a step I know I have to take and I am looking forward to taking. Without your words of strength and your stories of trials and triumphs, I would never have had the guts to look into it all in the first place. Thank you.
Now, as a "branch" from pleadthe5th's post from earlier this week, I must take the time to highlight some of the individuals who have blessed me with their friendship and warm wishes this past year. I hope I don't miss anyone, and please, everyine remember that while I may be "singling out" some names here, all of you as a collective have made a contribution to my life that I really can't put a price tag on. I love you all. And now, a pat on the back to my treasured Jamily friends (in no particular order):
TORONTOPEARLGIRL/RITA: For knowing me in the "real world" and the "cyberworld", and always, always looking out for me. Thank you for your unending friendship, your continous support and for everything we've shared. You really are my "sis". Always.
PAIGE: For being the best mentor a journalistic jock girl could ever have. Thank you for taking me under your wing, for always encouraging me, for bestowing your wisdom about the industry and for sharing your incredible gift with everyone on the BBS. You're the embodiment of all I want to be as a person and a professional. Thanks for being an inspiration and a wonderful friend.
MAKEMESMILE/MICHELLE: For always passing along a smile and a hug, for always spreading the "good vibes." You're one of the kindest people I have ever met. Really, the world needs more people like you. Thank you for havig such a big heart and being such an amazing friend. You were one of the first people I really connected with here, and I'll never forget that.
BLUE RAIN: For creating Clouds Roll By, the eternal Mecca of Jeffdom -- a venue which taught me to appreciate Mr. Ament, and also helped to introduce me to the fabulous world of online PJ fandom. Thank you for everything you do to enhance my little cyberworld, both as an online web site goddess and as a great friend. You're the best!
RANALELE: A relatively new friend since we only met in January, but one who is very close to my heart. Thank you for all the amazing late night conversations about the serious and not-so-serious things in life and PJ-dom. You're an absolute gem and sweet as pie. Don't ever change. I know you're gonna go far. *Yells "RANA SOLOS!" and crashes into a brick wall*
MTGIRL: For being such an undeniably cool young lady and for always extending a cyberhug, a happy thought, or a Jeff-related naughty joke. You've taught me more than I ever needed to know about Big Sky Country, but most importantly, you've been a true friend. Thanks for always bein' there. Now, I will come through the screen and hug you to death.
BETA: For being the first to publicly declare her Ames Lust and indirectly prompting me to do the same. You're an awesome girl and a great friend. Thanks for all the PMs about Jeff lyric analysis, Three Fish, and all things Ament-related. I swear we are of one mind!! More fun than a barrel of monkeys and sweeter than a bag o' candy. You're a doll!
SETH: For having the guts to reveal his emotions and beliefs on a public scale the way no-one else can. For being a terrific friend, and an all-around gem of a guy. Thank you for always extending a cyberhug and a compliment and telling me "I can", even when I feel "I can't". I am indebted to you and your words in the Whisper chats at CJWM.
VITOLOCHICA: Although we've only started to talk in a really in-depth sense recently, I owe you so much for simply being so kind and intelligent. Most girls who have everything together like you do tend to scoff at folks like me. I'll never understand why you're so willing to hang out with me and show me so much love and respect, but I'm oh-so-grateful that you do. You're the total package.
KADDIKAT: For your unendung enthusiasm. You brighten up my days and nights with your Jeff chat and stories of life in Hollyweird. You're such a sweetie, and damnit, nothing beats hangin' out in a chatroom with you on Fridays swapping Green River-era photos of Jeff and eating Rice Krispie Treats!!!
BYZANTINE BUG: For having such an outrageous sense of humour and being a great pal. Your posts always brighten my day and your PMs touch my heart. I really hope we can share more together, 'cause you're fantastic. *Huggie for Buggie*
ROGUE TRADER: For being the first guy to publicly support me in my Lusting. Thanks for always backing me up, and for injecting your wisdom and pure an utter hilarity into my daily online forays. You're awesome and I look forward to chatting with you even more!
INDIAN SUMMER: For simply being "IS". For always sayin' "hi", sharing some laughs and saying that "PSS" should become the newest PJ-related acronym. You fuckin' rule!
GREMMIE: For being the best damn Sarah in Toronto! Thanks for sharing the Firday night laughs and anecdotes. I definitely wanna meet up when Three Fish hit our town!
BLUECORDUROY: For helping with the "Thread of Love" that one day this past summer, and for always sharing a smile and a hug. Yet another Sarah who completely kicks my ass six ways 'till Sunday!
DARTH VEDDER: For being so "up front" about how fuckin' sexy she thinks Jeff is. You bring quite the unique perspective and may I say, you have damn fine taste in men!
13THROWCENTER: For inducting me into CJWM, thereby introducing me to a lot of you in a more "close up" manner via the chat room. Thanks for helping to broaden my social circle, for sharing your experiences and listening to mine.
ISHMAELAPE: For being such an honest and upstanding fella. Really, it's guys like you who restore my faith in the gender whenever the incessant assholedom of Kid Rock (and everyday examples of him) seem to cross my path. You've got such a sweet heart and you deserve all the best. NO SHAME!
ROCKRIGHTER: For chattin' about PJ, MGB, dogs, poopies and Canadiana (though not necessarily in that order!). You've got such a great head on your shoulders, you're a smart cookie and you're a dear.
KARENTHEVEDDER: For the offering of Jamily t-shirts to help solidify our collective ties, for being a great person, and for taking the time to meet me in person at the Toronto gig.
CHEWDAWG: Someone I definitely hope to speak with more. I unfortunately haven't had too many conversations with you, but based on everything I have heard and everything I have experienced in my time spent with you, you're a fantastic lady!
ILUVCATS: For all her good-natured teasing. Makes me smile, always.
PHIL: For sharing laughs and sports talk in the CJWM chat room. And also, for throwing things at me. (Inside joke).
SYSIPHUS: For extending a hand in friendship and toally understanding how absolutely magical that rendition of "Baba" in Toronto really was. We gotta talk more, and frankly, I owe you a PM in a big, bad way!
LISA LEDBETTER: An intelligent woman with a big heart. A much-coveted combination. You've ben great to talk to and I hope we can hang out more.
POETRYWRITER: For the beautiful PMs during the times I really needed them. You have no idea how much they meant to me.
MEANINGLESS/NICOLE: For being so strong in the face of it all. And although we don't talk directly all that much I feel a kinship with you. Thank you for showing me I'm not alone. May you find all the happiness you deserve
1PJFAN: Don't even know if you're around these parts anymore, and although we only spoke once, it was a big "once". Thank you for sharing your experiences and allowing me to disclose mine. Very therapeutic.
LUV2ROK: For the Minnesota sports chat and sayin'
I'm "one cool chickie. Well, you're one very cool guy!! You rok!
RHUARC: For being such a dear and always putting others before himself. And also for declaring "JeffisthemanforPlaid"! Hehehe...
CSMOOTH24: aka "Smoothie". Thanks for sharin' the laughs. You're too much!!
ST8OFLUV&TRUST: For those great backroom PMs we've been swapping and being the only person I know who can really appreciate the immortal Marillion -- "Warm Wet Circles".
OFTHEGIRL49: For sharing the experiences of you and your family and helping me to gain a much greater understanding for what I'm going through and a better appreciation of what others go through. Thank you for all the advice.
ARDY AND PJMOM: For kepping us all in line, and happy. Thank you for showing me and each one of us how to live life to the fullest. You impart your wisdom and set a great example.
GER: For your poetic posts and your unmatched appreciation for "Nothing As It Seems". You've taught me to see the world in a different way. while also teaching me to be comfortable in my own skin.
HEDONIST: For being a friend to all, and always taking the time to say "hi" or offer me a word of encouragement. Thank you for showing me the beauty of love, while also, through your words, allowing me to find love and beauty when I look at myself. And of course, I'm always up for a good sexual innuendo!
Well, I believe that's it. I'm so nervous about hitting that "Add Post" button right now. I just realized this sucker took me almost two hours to write! Shit!! :-)I'm sorry if I missed anyone in that list of mine. All of you have made such an imprint on my life, I really cannot put it all into words.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wish I could somehow give back all you have given to me in this past year.
(((JAMILY)))
All my love,
PSS/Sarah
"What is a million people...listening...to your music?" - JA, "SVT".