hey

[Om1]

I have 2 exams and a practical this week and I'm having a hard time putting in solid continuous hours of studying. Study for 30 break for 10. The whole night is flying by like this. It doesn't help that I keep thinking about motorcycle diaries. I like it when movies stay in my head for more than an hour but its proving to be a distraction now. There is a scene in the beginning where they just show the open road and ernesto talks about putting away his med school books and going out to experience life. I really wish I could do that right now. I got a camcorder finally and its also another great distraction but I love it. I watched this documentary I made in 1996 with our previous camera that broke. I have a tendency to glorify the past so this was my chance to physically see it on a tv screen instead of the fuzzy romantic image in my head and it made me happy to see that it wasn't anything special. I had been missing my old house a lot lately. When I got to revisit it through this documentary my first thought was "I haven't really missed much." I'm glad I felt that way. I don't want 1996 to be better than 2004. I have 2 hour tapes so I think I'm going to use one just to record myself studying. There will be no music, no talking, just 2 hours of solid studying. I want to capture how insanely boring it really is so I can look back and laugh. It was cool to see my pearl jam collection though. No code was just about to come out and I said I was looking forward to it and that I hoped it would be even better than Vitalogy. My wish came true. That is a feeling I *do* miss. Being obsessed with pearl jam was a lot of fun. I haven't found any music since them that has engaged me as much as they once did. There is music now that I enjoy more than pearl jam, but no one incites that same feeling as I got when I was 15-16 listening to no code for the first time. you know I miss you very much.

[reallygroovN]

ok

so, im blowing off going to bed just because its a pain in the butt...everything i have to do before i go to bed, turn it all off, pick it up, put it away, lock it, make sure the fish are fed and the cat has water and the kids are asleep....

anywho, so, im playing these stupid computer games that i, like, totally cant win at and, frankly, i think are stacked against me.

towerball...wtf. i just got a high score of 1600 or something, level 7 or 8. quin, i think it is, the towerball MEGAwinner, has like a high score of 47,000,247 or something like that...fuck. i never get over say 2500 which is i think my highest score. i think smirks has something imbedded in this game that WON'T let me win. either that or the wrax or vorax or whatever that thing is is totally against me.

or perhaps i suck and have awful hand, eye coordination. shweta, maybe you can go play towerball. i bet you could *crack* the game....you have that steely eye of a doctor. maybe thats what you need. then you can tell me the secret.

but whatever, cause i am DRAWN to that game, as well as super bounce out (whats with the *ball* games?) like the poor fly who is drawn to the light...just checking that maybe her fly ancestors were all wrong, and that there really is excitement and wonderous joy to be found at the light and not some bigass bat or, worse yet, fire that will consume you either way.

i think i need to go to bed :rolleyes:

:D

oh, i am totally diggin bruce now...have been for a while. i am getting the same....surge....anticipation of new material....knot in my gut that climbs up to my throat when i hear a great song...type feeling.

and i really want brad to tour. cause its fall and its so brad weather outside. a really long brad concert at the tla. yep, i could dig that big time!!

[yer ardy]

shweta, the best part of life
is what can be looked back on and laughed at....
and....
the worst part of life is
what can be looked back on and laughed at....

[peacefulness]

I feel a fraction of your pain, shweta. I'm studying everything constantly, but I couldn't imagine trying to wrap my mind around anything medical. That sound you hear is the sound of all that stuff flying over my head.

I made a horrible grade on my Corporate Finance test... which really sucks because I was under the misunderstanding that I had a really great idea of what is going on in that class (in spite of the fact that, like all my other classes, I'm teaching myself because my teacher is an idiot I swear, if I hear this guy say one more time "i'm not very good at [this]", I'm going to scream really really loudly.) Turns out, all the knowing in the world isn't going to save you from silly mistakes, which i'm prone to. And since it appears that the give less credit to knowing and more to not making stupid mistakes when they give partial credit, I'll have to be more careful next time.

Ironically, I made the best grade on the test in the class where I have absolutely NO idea what is going on. (I had 3 test in one day that day) And, well, my economics test worked out about as well as I expected. Economics is all kinds of confusing for me because it's all about theories and possiblities and there really isn't a right answer, yet there's suppose to be. UGH! The theories of economics are true theories... except when they aren't. I like formulas. I like 100% facts. I like order. You can keep your theories. If I wanted theories, I'd go into psychology or something. When you really have an answer for me, let me know. That's what I say. Ugh... but anyway. I'm sure I'm overreacting just a little.

And today I had to give a speech. I freaked out per usual, x's 2. Is it normal for anxiety to increase the more often you give presentations? I dont think it is. In spite of the fact that everything was ready to go and I was just right with my time limit and everything, I couldn't stop shaking. The fact we have to videotape it and have to where a mike doesnt help me. I think that amplifies my anxiety. What's really sad is that I get nervous for everybody else even. What is THAT about? I have enough anxiety of my own without taking on everyone elses.

Oh, and in another class, we have group presentations and one of the people in our group we haven't seen or heard from him in about 2 1/2 weeks. We have our second presentation a week from tomorrow and we've barely started. When I say 'we,' I mean myself and the other person in our group. I emailed the guy yesterday and told him that we decided if he wasn't in class tomorrow, we'd take that to mean he wasn't going to bother being a productive member of our group and that we would see to it that he be removed from our group. We've already started the presentation without him. We get a lot more done without him. So what if you have a full time job. Join the club, buddy. You think I'm gonna shed a tear for ya? Not a chance. If you can't make time for school, maybe you shouldn't have gone back to school Mr. IT Guy. SERIOUSLY!

So... um... I'm very stressed out... PMS was QUITE the emotional adventure with going straight from angry for no real reason to crying for no real reason and back to angry and than to cheerful. I don't know what I would do without football season to just go out and yell for a few hours. And I'm hungry, but I have only a pizza pocket with me and that is for my dinner break at work tonight. Hopefully I can run home really quick before I go to work and grab a corndog or something... a reeses peanut butter cup seems more likely.

Anyway, i'm gonna go now. my last class of the day is starting in a couple of minutes and I've acquired all I need here.

Um... I originally started this to resond to shweta's post, and it sort of shifted away from that. SORRY... but, good luck with your stresses... and your happy realizations... and all that stuff. And I can 100% relate with you on the Pearl Jam thing. There are other bands I'm into more these days than pearl jam, but no one really compares.

Anyway... must go. Have a good day. i'm going to go breath before I go to class. haha. Bye!

~Melanie