13throwcenter
03-07-2001, 02:26 AM
Yeah, I've been learning a little about Hate lately...allow me to spill my guts again....won't you please... for I feel the need to purge.
I don't think I have ever disliked anyone as intensely as I dislike the father of my child right now. Every time a thought including him enters my mind, I feel my eyes narrow while at the same time my lip and nose join together to form a hideous sneer. I would say an immediate physical response such as that qualifies as hate, wouldn't you? In the past, I have always been able to deflect the feelings of hatred for the man... I've always countered them with "well he really *is* a good dad"... or "he's a good guy, we just brought out the worst in each other".... well, having not talked to the SOB for nearly 3 weeks now, I feel like a veil has slowly been lifted from over my face and I am finally seeing through my *own* eyes what had always been clouded by the mental grasp he held on me for nearly ten years, and I ain't likin' what I'm seein'. I cannot believe I allowed the pathetic, lying son of a bitch so much control of my thoughts and emotions... I cannot believe I have to live the rest of my life having some sort of relationship with this sorry excuse for a human being. I feel like I am finally seeing the real person, the one I recognized, but was afraid to acknowledge so long ago. By now acknowledging the true existence of this man I have been forced to confront the mental trauma he subjected me to by way of his manipulative charm.... I've had to stare down the effects he has had on my life and I've had to question where it was that I lost my way- where it was that I became one of "those" women... I really hate that son of a bitch... and I tell you... the hardest part of hating him is that I have to tuck it away and protect my son from the emotions that sear in my soul when it comes to his dad.... somehow I have to rise above the hate I feel for him and allow his son to love him and my god is that ever a challenge when I get to hear all about what dear Daddy is doing these days.
I'm trying to use the negative emotion to propel me towards something far more positive than I ever experienced with him... than anything he will ever experience himself.... I want to use it as a catalyst for change.... for moving myself far away from the person who allowed him to emotionally torment me for too many of my growing years.... I don't know who I hate more.... him for doing it to me, or myself for allowing him.... yet, I really cannot hate myself for being young and naive in the beginning... I didn't realize back then that those rumblings I felt were my soul waving red flags... by the time I figured that out, I was well within his grasp, beaten down literally and figuratively to the point that any attempt at escape would soon be circumvented by his charming ways... I *did* try to escape years ago, and unfortunately I failed. He even almost won me over only a few weeks ago.... fortunately something stepped in and detoured that flight plan, because it allowed me the opportunity I needed to clear the fog from my lenses and begin to see the forest AND the trees.
What burns me up more than anything is the way he goes about his life so smugly.... as if the way he has treated me is okay… is actually MY fault. The hate burns in me so much that I want so badly to be part of that which makes him finally recognize what an ass he is, has been, and forever will be... I seek retribution in the form of his humiliation, I want to witness his fall, yet I don't want to be responsible for it. I snicker when I consider the ways of our good friend, Karma... I just wish I could make a deal with her to be present when he crashes and burns in hell.... and to make sure our darling son is nowhere in the vicinity.
~.~.~.~.~
And the rivers shall open for the righteous, someday.
I don't think I have ever disliked anyone as intensely as I dislike the father of my child right now. Every time a thought including him enters my mind, I feel my eyes narrow while at the same time my lip and nose join together to form a hideous sneer. I would say an immediate physical response such as that qualifies as hate, wouldn't you? In the past, I have always been able to deflect the feelings of hatred for the man... I've always countered them with "well he really *is* a good dad"... or "he's a good guy, we just brought out the worst in each other".... well, having not talked to the SOB for nearly 3 weeks now, I feel like a veil has slowly been lifted from over my face and I am finally seeing through my *own* eyes what had always been clouded by the mental grasp he held on me for nearly ten years, and I ain't likin' what I'm seein'. I cannot believe I allowed the pathetic, lying son of a bitch so much control of my thoughts and emotions... I cannot believe I have to live the rest of my life having some sort of relationship with this sorry excuse for a human being. I feel like I am finally seeing the real person, the one I recognized, but was afraid to acknowledge so long ago. By now acknowledging the true existence of this man I have been forced to confront the mental trauma he subjected me to by way of his manipulative charm.... I've had to stare down the effects he has had on my life and I've had to question where it was that I lost my way- where it was that I became one of "those" women... I really hate that son of a bitch... and I tell you... the hardest part of hating him is that I have to tuck it away and protect my son from the emotions that sear in my soul when it comes to his dad.... somehow I have to rise above the hate I feel for him and allow his son to love him and my god is that ever a challenge when I get to hear all about what dear Daddy is doing these days.
I'm trying to use the negative emotion to propel me towards something far more positive than I ever experienced with him... than anything he will ever experience himself.... I want to use it as a catalyst for change.... for moving myself far away from the person who allowed him to emotionally torment me for too many of my growing years.... I don't know who I hate more.... him for doing it to me, or myself for allowing him.... yet, I really cannot hate myself for being young and naive in the beginning... I didn't realize back then that those rumblings I felt were my soul waving red flags... by the time I figured that out, I was well within his grasp, beaten down literally and figuratively to the point that any attempt at escape would soon be circumvented by his charming ways... I *did* try to escape years ago, and unfortunately I failed. He even almost won me over only a few weeks ago.... fortunately something stepped in and detoured that flight plan, because it allowed me the opportunity I needed to clear the fog from my lenses and begin to see the forest AND the trees.
What burns me up more than anything is the way he goes about his life so smugly.... as if the way he has treated me is okay… is actually MY fault. The hate burns in me so much that I want so badly to be part of that which makes him finally recognize what an ass he is, has been, and forever will be... I seek retribution in the form of his humiliation, I want to witness his fall, yet I don't want to be responsible for it. I snicker when I consider the ways of our good friend, Karma... I just wish I could make a deal with her to be present when he crashes and burns in hell.... and to make sure our darling son is nowhere in the vicinity.
~.~.~.~.~
And the rivers shall open for the righteous, someday.