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13throwcenter
03-07-2001, 02:26 AM
Yeah, I've been learning a little about Hate lately...allow me to spill my guts again....won't you please... for I feel the need to purge.

I don't think I have ever disliked anyone as intensely as I dislike the father of my child right now. Every time a thought including him enters my mind, I feel my eyes narrow while at the same time my lip and nose join together to form a hideous sneer. I would say an immediate physical response such as that qualifies as hate, wouldn't you? In the past, I have always been able to deflect the feelings of hatred for the man... I've always countered them with "well he really *is* a good dad"... or "he's a good guy, we just brought out the worst in each other".... well, having not talked to the SOB for nearly 3 weeks now, I feel like a veil has slowly been lifted from over my face and I am finally seeing through my *own* eyes what had always been clouded by the mental grasp he held on me for nearly ten years, and I ain't likin' what I'm seein'. I cannot believe I allowed the pathetic, lying son of a bitch so much control of my thoughts and emotions... I cannot believe I have to live the rest of my life having some sort of relationship with this sorry excuse for a human being. I feel like I am finally seeing the real person, the one I recognized, but was afraid to acknowledge so long ago. By now acknowledging the true existence of this man I have been forced to confront the mental trauma he subjected me to by way of his manipulative charm.... I've had to stare down the effects he has had on my life and I've had to question where it was that I lost my way- where it was that I became one of "those" women... I really hate that son of a bitch... and I tell you... the hardest part of hating him is that I have to tuck it away and protect my son from the emotions that sear in my soul when it comes to his dad.... somehow I have to rise above the hate I feel for him and allow his son to love him and my god is that ever a challenge when I get to hear all about what dear Daddy is doing these days.

I'm trying to use the negative emotion to propel me towards something far more positive than I ever experienced with him... than anything he will ever experience himself.... I want to use it as a catalyst for change.... for moving myself far away from the person who allowed him to emotionally torment me for too many of my growing years.... I don't know who I hate more.... him for doing it to me, or myself for allowing him.... yet, I really cannot hate myself for being young and naive in the beginning... I didn't realize back then that those rumblings I felt were my soul waving red flags... by the time I figured that out, I was well within his grasp, beaten down literally and figuratively to the point that any attempt at escape would soon be circumvented by his charming ways... I *did* try to escape years ago, and unfortunately I failed. He even almost won me over only a few weeks ago.... fortunately something stepped in and detoured that flight plan, because it allowed me the opportunity I needed to clear the fog from my lenses and begin to see the forest AND the trees.

What burns me up more than anything is the way he goes about his life so smugly.... as if the way he has treated me is okay… is actually MY fault. The hate burns in me so much that I want so badly to be part of that which makes him finally recognize what an ass he is, has been, and forever will be... I seek retribution in the form of his humiliation, I want to witness his fall, yet I don't want to be responsible for it. I snicker when I consider the ways of our good friend, Karma... I just wish I could make a deal with her to be present when he crashes and burns in hell.... and to make sure our darling son is nowhere in the vicinity.



~.~.~.~.~
And the rivers shall open for the righteous, someday.

yer ardy
03-07-2001, 06:34 AM
i felt very similar towards my dad...then one day, i forgave him, forgave what he did to me, forgave his inability to see the error of his ways, forgave that he truly didn't know what he was doing to me was wrong....i realized it wasn't my fault, i was not to blame, it was his loss, not mine. i put flowers on his grave that day and let it go.

holding a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee...

you're on the right track, sandi...asher is your main focus, with or without his dad. work thru the hate to continue on as the mother of that sweet young boy you have. you will rise above it all. see clearly. the strength you gain from diverting the negative feelings will make you all powerful and the father of your son will no longer be the black cloud that hangs above you.

you're finding that silver lining....it's there, and you know it.

{{{{sandigirl}}}}

@>-->----
~there's still time to change the road you're on..

northwoodsamyII
03-07-2001, 09:03 AM
well at least you are progressing towards healing. this is all a part of it sandi- the hate you are feeling is so very real and strong now, such a powerful emotion, and I agree, you are best to try to channel it to better you instead of lowering yourself to his smug level. It's normal, anyone who experiences anything remotely like you have goes through this. I went through it with my abusive Ex, where the utter mention of his name made me cringe and seeth and start spitting fire while plotting and scheming and wishing about his demise. Now I have reached the step where you just have NO feeling for them because to have any feeling, even hate, means you still care in some manner, whether it be negative or positive. You'll get to this "no feeling" level too..it just takes much time and soul searching. But you are on your way dear...you are on the way.

much love to you........it will get better, I promise.


TO MY FRIENDS, I'M NOT A DRUNK DRIVER...I'M PRESIDENT ELECT.

poopypants
03-07-2001, 10:04 AM
Contrary to popular belief, i think hate is OK. You hate your ex? Good. Someday that piece of shit will get sick and die knowing just how much of a slimeball he was and he will die with regret, which is the worst fate of all. There's a metallica song called 'Waste my hate' which, along with being a really funny song, has a solid message. NWA is right, if you hate then you still care. Don't waste your hate on him, waste it on me. Not that you hate me, but maybe you will feel better hating someone you don't even know. I thought Al Gore was a worthy candidate of my hate, but i didn't know him. I would just spend more of your time on this message board because this place reeks of good karma and bad spelling. Either that or you could poison his dog(or cat)! Just my thoughts.

Poopy Pooperton

13throwcenter
03-07-2001, 11:08 AM
waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh- his dog and cats were mine once upon a time, I could never do that. I know you were kidding, but some things aren't funny.

I had a terrible sleep last night.....this terrible weight hanging over me... it's still present today. I can't wait for it to pass. I know this feeling is temporary- just part of the healing process. I know this, and I am thankful that at least I recognize it... The other night I was talking to a dear friend and I had this feeling that something fantastic was just on the other side of what I was feeling.... I felt closer than I ever had to being free of his clutches... having realized something better is on the other side, I'm anxious to get there... i can't wait for the day when I will release it and rise above... but I'm not sure he deserves forgiveness- maybe that is my problem? Maybe that is what stands in my way of moving along? I don't WANT to forgive him, he does not deserve forgiveness- maybe it's myself I need to forgive..."You're the only one who cannot forgive yourself"... yet, I feel that I already have forgiven myself for allowing him to control me... altho, he still has some control over me by way of the no-contact order, and the restraining order that she has... I think those are the two things that bug the fuck out of me... I don't want anyone to control where I can go and what I can do...

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me... you know how much I appreciate it because you know how much YOU appreciate it when you need the same...

btw poopyJ- i love you too much to ever hate you /images/laugh.gif


~.~.~.~.~
And the rivers shall open for the righteous, someday.

poopypants
03-07-2001, 11:14 AM
that bastard stole your pets? jesus some people just don't know when to stop.

northwoodsamyII
03-07-2001, 11:20 AM
my big bro's ex wife/bitch stole his dog. he raised it from a pup and she took it. she's such a bitch! i loved that dog. Grayson was his name..he and my bro went everywhere.



TO MY FRIENDS, I'M NOT A DRUNK DRIVER...I'M PRESIDENT ELECT.

13throwcenter
03-07-2001, 11:21 AM
It was better for them to live with him since he got the house and I moved into an apartment.... and Jesse (our dog) has always been more of his dog, even though she has been very depressed since I left.... so no, he didn't "steal" them, we just did what was best for them.



~.~.~.~.~
And the rivers shall open for the righteous, someday.

prism
03-07-2001, 11:24 AM
Man, do I only know all too well about hating someone that controlled you for along time. And honestly for about the first year ,I had days where I thought my hate and bitterness towards him would tear me apart, but i did get through it and now that it's been many years later,and he still talks shit about me, I am to the point where anything he has to say rolls right off of me....it took me awhile to get to this point,but I did get there...I hope for you that you get to the point where it rolls off of you quickly...and I know what a strong person you are, so I know that you will one day get to that point....I just wish I could speed it up for you /images/smile.gif ...it's that old four letter word again......TIME

oh, and btw Karma has been paying alot of attention to a certain jerk as of late....hahahahaha

mtgirl
03-07-2001, 11:35 AM
sonofabitch girl. we're here as always, just let your feelings roll on by...
luv
kate

cute boys make me smile

csmooth24
03-07-2001, 11:45 AM
"i'll hold the pain...RELEASE MEEEE..."

{{{{{{{{{{sandi}}}}}}}}}}

~chris
http://www.culturedpearls.com/pearljam/images/alive2.gif

13throwcenter
03-07-2001, 11:50 AM
thanks darlin'...I get by with a little help from my friends /images/smile.gif



~.~.~.~.~
And the rivers shall open for the righteous, someday.

csmooth24
03-07-2001, 11:51 AM
your gonna get *high* with a little help from your friends??? don't let the OB find out! /images/tongue.gif

~chris
http://www.culturedpearls.com/pearljam/images/alive2.gif

13throwcenter
03-07-2001, 12:03 PM
my obstetrition? why would he care?!

yeah, if you weren't busy you could join prism and me for a little toke and a viewing of Seattle 2 on Friday!



~.~.~.~.~
And the rivers shall open for the righteous, someday.

csmooth24
03-07-2001, 12:23 PM
OB was a joke..i meant PO...but you probably knew that...

i would love to come up to view seattle 2 but as you know i have plans...and i don't toke...just booze for me...

oh...and as soon as i make plans to come up...(24th of this month)...i have to cancel...the other guy i was coming up to see is having a graduation party down here in kirkland so i will have to push my bham trip back into april... /images/frown.gif

~chris
http://www.culturedpearls.com/pearljam/images/alive2.gif

evolving
03-08-2001, 12:16 AM
Sandi... I don't know if you ever have read this book, but it truly is wonderful and really helped a friend of mine in just about the same situation you are going through. The book is called "Yesterday I Cried",by Iyanla Vanzant, here is the opening poem for you...

Yesterday, I cried.
I came home, went straight to my room, sat on the edge of my bed, kicked off my shoes, unhooked my bra, and I had myself a good cry.
I'm telling you,
I cried until my nose was running all over my silk blouse I got on sale.
I cried until my ears were hot.
I cried until my head was hurting so bad that I could hardly see the pile of soiled tissues on the floor at my feet.
I want you to understand,
I had myself a really good cry yesterday.
Yesterday, I cried,
for all the days that I was too busy, or too tired, or too mad to cry.
I cried for all the days, and all the ways,
and all the times I had dishonored, disrespected, and disconnected my Self from myself, only to have it reflected back to me, in the ways others did to me the same things I had already done to myself.
I cried for all the things I had given, only to have them stolen;
for all the things I had asked for that had yet to show up;
for all the things I had accomplished, only to give them away, to people in circumstances, which left me feeling empty, and battered and plain old used.
I cried because there really does a come a time when the only thing left for you to do is cry.
Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because little boys get left by their daddies;
and little girls get forgotten by their mommies;
and daddies don't know what to do, so they leave;
and mommies get left, so they get mad.
I cried because I had a little boy, and because I was a little girl, and because I was a mommy who did'nt know what to do, and because I wanted my daddy to be there for me so badly until I ached.
Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because I hurt. I cried because I was hurt.
I cried because hurt has no place to go
except deeper into the pain that caused it in the first place,
and when it get's there, the hurt wakes you up.
I cried because it was too late. I cried because it was time.
I cried because my soul knew that I did'nt know
that my soul knew everything I needed to know.
I cried a soulful cry yesterday, and it felt good.
It felt so very, very bad.
In the midst of my crying, I felt my freedom coming,
Because
Yesterday, I cried...
with an agenda!


Sandi, if I had your address I would overnight express this book to you... I hope it helps!

RogueTrader
03-08-2001, 12:39 AM
I can sympathise with how you feel. The trouble is that by hating him and wasting so much time hating him, he still has power over you. It's a different type of power, but it is still power.

You have to let it go. It's tough I know, but you and Asher will be better off if you do. The realisation that you are better than him will help you do this. It's tough when there is a third person involved in this as well, but those sorts of strong feelings will never be good.

Try reading 'The Fountainhead' by Ayn Rand. It might help. I have always found it a useful book to put my relationship to other people in perspective.

M

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