Jokes, we need a post for jokes so here we go.

[PearlGarden13]

I think we need a little more humor in here so this is a post for everyone to post some jokes. Here I'll start....



WHY CHRISTMAS TREES AREBETTER THAN MEN

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even when it’s lit.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it wears out.
9. You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year
10. You only have to feed/water it once a week.
11. It’s always there to light up your life.
12. It gets turned on only when you want it turned on.
13. It always smells nice and doesn’t pass gas.
14. If it needles you, you can toss it out.
15.It doesn’t ask you to have little Christmas trees.




I have a lot more....

I'm Still Alive!

[_sysiphus_]

Keep 'em coming! /images/smile.gif

"I thank you for helping me learn how to think, but I reserve the right to determine WHAT I think."

[csmooth24]

most of those are true of men too! ok, maybe not...but i have cute balls!

~chris
http://www.culturedpearls.com/pearljam/images/alive2.gif

[PearlGarden13]

lol whatever you say dude. Anyway here's another:





A wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same, sexy little negligee
she wore on their wedding night.

She looks at her husband and says, “Honey, do you remember this?”

He looks up at her and replies, “Yes dear, I do, you wore that same negligee
the night we were married.”

“That’s right.” she replied, “And do you remember what you said to me that
night?”

He nods and says, “Yes dear, I still remember.”

“Well, what was it?”

He responds, “Well honey, as I remember, I said, ‘Ohhhhhhh, Baby, I’m going
to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!’”

She giggles and says, “Yes, that was it. That was exactly what you said!
Well, now it’s 50 years later, I’m in the same negligee I wore that night.
What do you have to say tonight?”

Again, he looks up at her, looks her up and down and says, “Mission
accomplished.”


I'm Still Alive!

[13throwcenter]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.

8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

~.~.~.~.~
And the rivers shall open for the righteous, someday.

[13throwcenter]

The Deserted Island
-----------------------------
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are stranded :

Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
Two Australian men and one Australian woman
Two New Zealand men and one New Zealand woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
Two American men and one American woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred :

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-Etrois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Buglarian woman and started swimming. The two Australian men took turns with the woman, and then told each other about it afterwards.

The two New Zealand men scoured the island for wild sheep but ended up settling for the woman saying "bahhh" while she ate the grass.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquorstore/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, and how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.



Keep Life In Perpective
---------------------------------
At age 4 .... success is .... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 .... success is .... having friends.
At age 17 .... success is .... having a drivers license.
At age 20 .... success is .... having s,ex.
At age 35 .... success is .... having money.
At age 50 .... success is .... having money.
At age 60 .... success is .... having s,ex.
At age 70 .... success is .... having a drivers license.
At age 75 .... success is .... having friends.
At age 80 .... success is .... not peeing in your pants.



Deathbed Confession
-------------------------------
Jake was on his deathbed. His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly:

'My darling Susan,' he whispered.

'Hush, my love,' she said. 'Rest. Shhh. Don't talk.'

He was insistent. 'Susan,' he said in his tired voice. 'I have something I must confess to you.'

'There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Susan. 'Everything's all right, go to sleep.'

'No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother.'

'I know,' she replied. 'That's why I poisoned you.'



The Daughters
---------------------
There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.

The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".

The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."

With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."



The Old Man
------------------
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also do a gramme of charlie a day, a spliff every night, a case of whisky a week, eat junk food, never exercise, and do pills on the weekend."

"That's amazing," said the woman. "How old are you?'


"Twenty-six."




~.~.~.~.~
And the rivers shall open for the righteous, someday.

[GirlNewton]

Superbeer

A man and a woman are sitting in a bar on top of a tall New York building. The man strikes up a conversation with the woman and tells her that the beer he's drinking is in fact Superbeer- it makes him be able to do ANYTHING.

So the woman says she wants some proof- the guy accepts the challenge: "I'll drink this beer, jump out this window and fly a full circle around the building." The woman agrees.
The man drinks his beer, jumps out the window, circles around the building and comes back in.

"THATS FUCKING AMAZING!!!" The woman says, stunned by what she's just witnessed. She turns to the bartender and asks him for some superbeer- she wants to try this out too!
The woman drinks the superbeer, jumps out of the window, and falls to her death on the sidewalk (kersplat!).

The bartender shakes his head at the man and says:
"You know, you can be a real asshole sometimes, Superman."

"Guano-bowls.. collect the whole set!"

"Guano-bowls.. collect the whole set!"

[M_F_Cecil]

Puns Intended

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth
orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never
amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of
two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat
it, too.

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they
asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins!
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist
hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in
the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately,
no pun in ten did.


...That what you fear the most could meet you half way...

[PearlGarden13]

>> Subject: STUDENTS
>>
>>
>> Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class: "Who can tell me
>> which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when
>> stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to
>> look his way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body
>> expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
>> Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask such a
>> question?"
>> she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the
>> principal, who will have you fired!"
>> Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. He asks the
>> class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
>> "Yes, Sam?" says Mr.Sampson. "Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the
>> human eye." "Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary
>> and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:
>>
>> First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework.
>>
>> Second, you have a DIRTY mind.
>>
>> And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

I'm Still Alive!

[edvedderismyhero]

Tehehehe that was a good one! I've never seen that one before but I do believe this thread is going to give me my laughs for today...



Lauren

Screws fall out all the time, the world's an imperfect place

[PearlGarden13]

I have another one that I just love. All I have to do now is find it.....I know it's on one of my e-mail addresses.

I'm Still Alive!

[PearlGarden13]

ok I found it.... I love this one! Hope you like it too!






> Subject: Mid-term Question
>
> The following is an actual question given on University of
> Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the
> professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the
> pleasure of enjoying it as well.
>
>
> Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
> (absorbs heat)?
>
> Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
> Law,(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed)
> or some variant.
>
> One student, however, wrote the following:
>
> "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
> So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the
> rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
> soul gets into Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
> leaving.
>
> As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different
> religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions
> state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go
> to Hell.
>
> Since there are more than one of these religions and since people
> do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all
> souls go to Hell.
>
> With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
> souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
>
> Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
> Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
> Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are
> added.
>
> This gives two possibilities:
>
> 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
> souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
> increase until all Hell breaks loose.
>
> 2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
> increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will
> drop until Hell freezes over.
>
> So which is it?
>
> If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during
> my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I
> sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have
> not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot
> be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not
> freeze."
>
> This student received the only "A" given.


I'm Still Alive!

[Jeremy in CT]

Hahahahahahaha!!!

"Don't call me daughter, not fair to"

[PearlGarden13]

So do you people want more jokes? I got more jokes! If you want more jokes I got more jokes just tell me if ya want them.

I'm Still Alive!

[supposedstargazr]

keep em coming!